Football…..Are You There??

The bar was packed.

She couldn’t see over the shoulders of the large men in front of her.

She slowly tapped one of the men with her cane.

“Excuse me, sir,” she asked. “I’m just an old woman trying to get into my favorite watering hole…..would you please let me pass?” Kinder words had never before been spoken.

“Whaaaa??” the guy asked. “Ohh, I’m sorry Granny…’s third down, just give me a second.”

His fat ass blocked her path. She tapped him again.

“Please, young man, I just want to sit at a table…..I’m old, and my legs don’t hold up so well anymore.” She pleaded.

“Jesus, lady, its third down!” Embarrassed, some of his friends started to pretend they didn’t know him.

But it didn’t matter. As swift as a bolt of lightning thrown by Zeus himself, the woman’s cane flew through the air. The trajectory was perfect. He never knew what hit him. One second he was watching his QB take the snap, the next his head was getting slammed with a cane.

His face hit the floor. Beneath him, a pool of blood began to form.

She looked down at him as he bled. There was no pity. “Don’t worry about him boys…..his team sucks anyway. Asshole.”

At that point, everyone looked up at the screen. The QB just threw a lousy pick, returned for a touchdown.

With that, she made her way to her usual table. She took out her deck of cards. Ordered her Manhattan. Started playing solitaire.

In a far corner, a man sat back and laughed. “Man….I F**king Love Football Season!”


Its funny. I’ve kind of been pretending that football wasn’t happening. As summer started winding to a close, I wasn’t that pumped for the NFL. I was listening to random College Football stations on iTunes (Southern College football fans are funny, in more ways than one).

I was pretty non-chalant about Week 1. Set my fantasy rosters (I’m a first time Commish this year). Looked over the lines (but didn’t make picks). But besides that…..I didn’t really care that much. And that isn’t like me.

Ofcourse, I credit this to the hangover from last season for Pats fans. It’s like we ran a record setting marathon, and then tripped with 5 feet to go, breaking both ankles. Its hard to really care again after that, even if you want to.

So Sunday, instead of planting myself in front of a TV, I was running errands. Call me fairweather if you want, but for some reason I just couldn’t stomach the thought of watching football.

But before I left my apartment, I watched a little pre-game….and it happened.  All of the sudden, in a matter of six seconds, I was pumped.  It was like some instinctual part of me that had been asleep woke up.  I still had to run my errand (it was a mandatory errand, for a wedding), but I was back for the second half of the Pats game.

Ofcourse, Brady blew out his knee (I got a text as I was riding on the train that said “Brady just got Bledsoed”, which I figured meant he threw a bunch of picks in a row.  It never dawned on me that he might be hurt.), but for some reason, I’m not really upset.  I mean, I feel sorry for the guy, his career might never be the same, but he does have three rings, and I believe two Super Bowl MVPs.  Plus a Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend and millions of dollars.  So no, I don’t feel too bad.

But beyond that….I don’t feel too terrible about the season.  Maybe it brings us back down Earth: honestly, after last year, I don’t think anyone knew what was expected of these guys.  Win a bunch of games, but not all of them, so that we can concentrate on the Super Bowl, like last year?  There’s no question we weren’t as good as last year coming into the season.

So in a way, this brings us back down: now not much is expected of us, but we’re still very good.  That’s not too bad.

Anyway, I’m gonna make some quick picks, and then drive to a wedding in Vermont.

Home team in CAPS

KANSAS CITY -3.5 over Oakland:  KC looked decent against the Pats.  Oakland looked pathetic against the Broncos.  In KC, Oak doesn’t stand a chance.  Chiefs win by atleast a touchdown.

Tennessee +1 over CINCINNATI:  At first, this looked like the dumbest line of the week.  Now, after Vince Young’s apparent mental breakdown, I’m not so sure.  But Tennesse looked really good against San Diego; and Cincy looked like a mess.  I’m gonna go with the underdog.

MINNESOTA +2 over Indy:  Minnesota looked really good.  Indy didn’t look good.  If this was being played in Indy, it’d be different, but at home, I think Minnesota wins easily.

New Orleans PK over WASHINGTON: Even with Colston hurt, and playing on the road, I think New Orleans squeaks out a win here.  But look out for a sloppy game ( I plan on avoiding this one).

Green Bay -3 over DETROIT:  Here it is: time for Aaron Rodgers to get a road win.  I think Green Bay will: Detriot looked pretty stinky in game 1, and Green Bay played well.

CAROLINA -3 over Chicago:  One of the best games of the week.  These teams look FIESTY!  I like Carolina at home, but if they were in Chicago, I’d take Da Bears.  These guys look about even.

Giants -8.5 over ST. LOUIS:  Here’s my question: how did Stephen Jackson only have like 12 yards of rushing?  What the Hell is wrong with the Rams?  Good Lord, score some touchdowns already!  Anyway, as much as I hate to say it, I think the Giants win by like 20.

JACKSONVILLE -5.5 over Buffalo:  Buffalo looked really good last week; Jacksonville sucked.  But Jax is just too damn talented: I think this is gonna be one of those angry games for Jacksonville.  But Buffalo will put up a fight; it’ll be a good game.

Atlanta +7 over TAMPA BAY:  I think Tampa wins outright; but I don’t see the fiesty Falcons losing by more than one TD.

San Fransisco +7 over SEATTLE:  Yuck…..remind me not to watch this game.  At all costs.

ARIZONA -6.5 over Miami:  Good Lord…..what’s with the Suck Fest?

New England +1.5 over JETS:  P-A-T-S……PATS PATS PATS PATS!

Baltimore +4.5 over HOUSTON:  I’ll be the first to admit…..I don’t have a freaking clue.

DENVER +1.5 over San Diego;  Now if I was a gambling man….this would be my Pick of the Week.  San Diego looks flat, un-motivated, and non-chalant; not to mention the fact, they lost their best linebacker, and they lost at home.  Denver, on the other hand, was mass producing TDs like they were a cheap commodity made in China.  If Denver was the road, it’d be different; but they’re not.  Look for a route.  You heard it hear first.

Pittsburgh -6 over CLEVELAND:  I think if they put their minds to it, Cleveland can be just feisty enough to hang around with Pittsburgh at home.  But the main problem: Pittsburgh looks damn good.  I and just don’t see them letting Cleveland get into this game.  I think Pitt beats them up ( in a close game, that’s not really close).

Philly +7 over DALLAS:  Here it is folks: The Game of the Week!  On a Monday Night, no less (can’t remember the last time that happened).  I think Dallas wins, but not by more than a TD.  This game is gonna be sick…I can’t wait.

Alright folks…..its been fun.


Until Next Time,



Attention Bow Wow: I Can Solve All Your Problems….

I’ve been waking up to Ramiro & Pebbles on Jammin’ 94.5 FM lately.

What’s this, you ask? Well, if you’re not from Boston, its one of the two decent wake-up programs on the air (the other being The Sandbox on 101.7FM, WFNX). I switch it up between these two because, honestly, I can’t listent to any radio program without getting sick of it after awhile.

Anyway, the other morning, during her Pop News Update, Pebbles mentioned that Bow Wow was going to be on an episode of Entourage this season in a “very intense” sex scene (just one more reason for me not to start watching this show again). Ramiro and Pebbles then began discussing Bow Wow’s woes: turns out, the rapper is trying to shake his image as “possibly gay, looks like he’s twelve, not a serious artist.” To quell the former rumors, he’s been reportedly trying to date hot chicks. And now he’s in a sex scene on a popular HBO show.

But here’s the thing: nothing is going to change. Supposedly, the guy still looks like he’s eleven. You may remember, he was on the scene at the age of 8 or so as ‘Lil Bow Wow’, which obviously his parents or someone else coined for him. Then, at around the age of 15, he changed to ‘Bow Wow’ to become more of a grown-up.

But seriously Bow Wow…’re not doing enough. I take you less seriously now that you call yourself ‘Bow Wow.’ Does Bow Wow sound tough….no, it sounds terrible. When you were Lil Bow Wow you sounded kinda crazy……now you sound kinda lame. Maybe if you called yourself Vicious Pit Bull or Rabid Racoon, then I’d take you seriously. But right now, I just can’t.

So if you’re reading this….let it go. Take your real name back….the one your mama gave you. You’ll get more girls, more street cred, and you won’t be forced to be in sex scenes to prove that you’re a man. Seriously, who does that? Chicks, bro: chicks.

So there it is: leave Bow Wow behind, and join the rest of society with a normal name. You’ll thank me later.


Until Next Time,


Conversations at a Library (Things to Come??)

They sat at the corner table in the back of the library; a few open magazines and newspapers lay in front of them. John tapped his open notebook idly.

“See that guy over there?”


“That guy with the brown hair, white t-shirt and shorts? Kind of a goofy….”

“Ohh, yah, I know that guy. I mean, I don’t really know him, but he says what up when I see him.”

“Well, he used to write in a blog, like all the time, and he he had a following of three or four readers. He’d come home sometimes, eat dinner, and immediately start writing. It was good shit.”

“Ohh, yah, I think I remember that….”

“Yah, well, for awhile he stopped writing, cause he got caught up with some bullshit, you know? Mainly, though, he didn’t have internet at his apartment.”

He paused; his pocket was vibrating.

“Hold on bro, I’m getting a text.” He stared at the luminesent screen, and typed unknown words into the phone. On another phone somewhere, someone received a form of communication. Message Sent.

“So, what, happened? You were saying?”

“Ohh, yah. Well, dude got the internet back. He’s kinda pumped, cause he thinks he might start writing again. Not every night, you know, but maybe like twice a week.”

“Ohh, man, that’d be f**king sweet!”

A couple heads turned, and few shhs echoed through the aisles. They guy with the brown hair they were talking about looked up, a little annoyed: he was reading a good book, dammit!

“Well that’s good shit; it always sucks when bloggers lose interest, get girlfriends, start doing stuff, ect…..anything that keeps them from writing.”

“Yah, I even talked with him for a few minutes: he watched the first half of the Giants game last night, and though he hasn’t talked about the dreaded Super Bowl all summer, all he could thinking while watching the season opener was: how in the Hell did the Pats lose to NY? How?? But maybe this season will bring closure; he certainly hopes it will!”

Suddenly, John slammed his notebook shut. He picked up his magazines.

“Dude, I’m out of here, now’s not the time to talk about this. I gotta go to work.”

“Alright, dude, well thanks for the update.”

“Yah, no problem man. What are you doin later?”

“Me and Wendy are going bowling. After that….whatever.”

“Alright, cool man, well look, I’ll give you a call.”

“Alright. Later.”

Walking out of the library, John stopped by to talk to the dude with brown hair at the table for a couple minutes. After shooting the shit, he bounced.