NetFlix Reviews: Comin At Ya, Kid!!

Wow, it feels refreshing to be back here.

Not just cause I haven’t written in awhile….cause they pimped this place out while I was gone! There’s buttons laying around that I don’t have a goddamned idea how to use! I feel old….like, “Back when I used to blog, in 2006-07, we didn’t have this shit. F**kin kids……..”

Well, not really….but kinda.

Anyway, enough of the bullshit: lets get the ball rolling!

Back in March, I made a monumental discovery: it was right up there with my discoveries that I really loved mustard ( a McDonald’s burger opened my eyes at the age of 5); that Jimi Hendrix was my hero (observed at the ripe old age of 12); and that yoga may be the greatest thing in the world (I stumbled across ‘The Practice’ back in November).

Namely, I discovered that Netflix kicks ass.

Now, it took me much too long to make this discovery: I take advantage of free things, you see, and had been sustaining my undying lust for new films through the public library. And it worked. I saw a fair share of swell flicks for the price of Free.99. But it was unreliable, slow, and most importanly, un-organized.

I made due. But my old roomate would always tell me, “You need to do Netflix! You set up a queue, you can search for movies, its great. We can even be friends!”

Her strongest argument was that “you get really excited when a new movie comes in the mail.”

I abstained. I looked at Netflix like it was some kind of trap that stupid people fall into: Paying for movies….hah……whatta bunch of chumps! Meanwhile, I was getting a random movie from the library every three weeks, and buying stuff at Newbury Comics for 7.99. In essence, I was the chump, and didn’t realize it.

Eventually, I broke down, cause I really wanted to see the Peter Jackson film Dead Alive, and couldn’t find it, and didn’t want to buy it, so I signed up. And it was the best thing I ever did regarding watching movies. Now, my queue is almost 500 movies long (I hit the Can’t Add Any More Movies mark about a month ago).

The point of all this Netflix Friendly Mumbo Jumbo I just spouted for you? Well, I had an idea: after every movie I watch, I write a little review. Not a big one…just a little one. You can write reviews on Netfilx, but thats no fun, because its just Movie Nerds/Snobs/Buffs/Freaks like myself. And those people always wanna one up each other.

“You didn’t enjoy Lost in Translation? Obviously, you’re a Fascist/Communist/Fill in Blank….”

Which is why I wanted to write little reviews right here….and justify my rating system, which has already been called into question by another Movie Nerd/Snob/Buff/Freak like myself (sorry if your reading this [Blank Name]).

I joined back in March: I might review some of the movies I watched since then: but for now, lets start fresh:

Silent Rage, 1982, starring Chuck Norris

My Review: My Goodness! What a movie. I rented this for one reason: Back in 2003, Bill Simmons, a sort of rock star journalist for, wrote a list of his Top Ten Underrated Movies of All-Time. Now, for those of you in the know, Bill Simmons word is usually gold. Granted, he talks about certain subjects too much from time to time, which has lead to a sort of “I Hate Bill Simmons” following on the web, but honestly, the guy is one of the best writers I have ever read, hands down, and sports blogs such as Deadspin and KSK wouldn’t exist today without him, despite what The Artist Formerly Known as Big Daddy Drew says about him (okay, I’m getting waaaaaaaaaay to obscure with the sports blog talk….sorry).

My point is, when Bill Simmons says something, I generally listen.

So he wrote a little paragraph about Silent Rage that went something like this: Highly underrated, stars Chuck Norris (always good), stars Flounder from Animal House (ummm, ok….even more awesome), and circles around the following plot: A pyscho killer is killed, brought to the hospital, brought back to life by the doctors with life serum (umm, ok), wreaks havoc, and is finally hunted down by, you guessed it, Chuck Norris.

Now, I wasn’t sure what to expect. For the first 40 minutes, it was pretty much just an Awesomely Bad Action movie (which, in my opinion, is right up there with Awesomely Bad Horror Movie. I mean, seriously, Commando is one of my top five favorite movies ever.) But then it changed. It got a little Awesomely Bad Science Fiction (always good…..although most Sci-Fi is already bad, sorry Sci-Fi fans), and then, despite the sub-par acting and script which was obviously written by a drunkard……it got good.

It went from being Bad Action Movie with Chuck Norris to being a really Creepy Scary Movie with a bad guy who was twice as scary looking as Mike Myers. Seriously…this guy was one of the creepiest guys I’ve ever seen. And they had some good old-fashioned Horror Music playing. And since I’m a total wimp, I was jumping, talking to the TV, and moaning like a little bitch while Creepy Guy Who Couldn’t Be Killed systematicallly killed an entire town.

The last ten minutes are beyond epic. The Creepy Guy Who Can’t Be Killed (turns out the bring back to life serum makes you Un-Killable) has a final stand against Sheriff Chuck Norris. As you probably expected, its perhaps the Greatest Ten Minutes of Movie History (by perhaps I mean definitely not, but you get my point).

Anyway, to sum it up: I can see why Bill saw this as being underrated. No one talks about this film, ever, but it is hilariously bad and kinda good at the same. You don’t see that often.


Fake-Guy Alert!: There is the fakest Al Pacino I have ever seen in the movie. I’m not kidding. Pacino could have sued for having his mannerisms, voice, and beard from Serpico blatantly stolen, if he gave a shit. I couldn’t get over this guy.

HEY FELLAS!!: Good news, boys: if you’re looking for female breasts, we got ’em here. And all the while….Chuck Norris is involved. I don’t think there was a more captivating part of the movie then the ten-minute “Chuck Norris Making Love to a Hot Woman” sequence. Seriously…..I know the guy slams revolving doors and everything, but I didn’t realize he so damn Suave! And honestly….there’s something cool as a guy to watch Chuck Norris get it on. Then again, maybe Chuck just brings out the gay in me. But to get back to the point….yes, there are breasts. Yes, they are nice. Yes, they appear more than once. And yes, there are more boobs, including a biker chick with tats on her rack.

Final Verdict: If you want to watch a movie that hits three classic genres (Bad Action, Bad Sci-Fi, Legit Scary), includes a Chuck Norris making-love montage, and actually has a cool, dark ending, then check this shit out!

My Rating: 4 Stars

Well, that’s it for me. If I continue to do these, I’m gonna keep em short.

Until Next Time,