The Hooded Sweatshirt Dilemna

Happy Thanksgiving All,

I am here to write a story that will eventually lead to a second story, but first:

Some Love for the Paperboys:

For anyone who has ever delivered papers for a job (yours truly), Thanksgiving stands out for one reason: its the largest daily newspaper of the year (dailys exlcude Sundays). You can’t rubberband Thanksgiving papers, or carry them in your typical daily sack: the cart designated for Sundays had to be used. Ofcourse, being a holiday and all, an extra hour was allowed to deliver them by (by 8am), but still: those are damn big papers.

So if you happen to see your paper boy in the next couple of days…..give him or her some lovin (tips).

Moving on:

A Story That Leads to a Second Story (That I Don’t Get to Finish Here, Atleast For Now):

The Hooded Sweatshirt Dilemna:

Last Thursday, I had an eye appointment; my eyes were getting dilated, and I would not be able to attend work on Friday.

I had big plans for Friday; there were a couple things on my mind:

1) My brakes had been squeaking for awhile; I’m all about getting brakes fixed in cars. I feel brakes are important.

2) I recently bought a hooded sweatshirt online: here’s the background story: Until this fall, I had two identical light gray sweatshirts, both from Lands End. I loved them. One was a little too big, but comfortable. The other one fit better, but had wierd stains on it (to this day, I don’t know what the stains are, although I think they may be coffee). Anyway, to make a long story short, I wore my coffee stained sweatshirts to my softball games (my softball team finished third and was written up in the Somerville Journal, I might add. Represent Lexington Park). And one time, I wore my good one by accident. And well, I forgot the f**king thing. And then I was stuck with only the coffee stained guy.

Coffee Stains was (and still is) wicked comfortable….but he’s got coffee stains. So to wear him in public is, well, a little embarrassing.

That being said, a comfortable, reliable hoodie is essential in anyone’s wardrobe. I needed to get Coffee Stains a cleaner brother to hang out with.

Since my Lands End sweatshirts had treated me so well, I went to LandsEnd.com. Only to find that all light gray sweatshirts were unavailable until February (not cool). And all dark gray ones not available until December (not cool). Leaving me with too choices: Blue (cobalt) or red.

There was no way I was going to rock a red sweatshirt. Absolutely no way. Which left me with the blue guy. Staring at the computer screen, I talked myself into it:

“C’mon, Greg,” I whispered. “Just enter your credit card numbers and proceed to checkout. You know you want to. Blue looks good on you, especially cobalt.”

And so it was. I entered my credit card numbers. I proceeded to check out. I clicked ‘Submit.’

A week or so later, a package from Lands End arrived at my work. I opened it up, excited to meet my new buddy…..but upon opening the box, our first meeting, was, well, a little awkward.

He was…..a little brighter than I expected. If my gray sweatshirt had been a dude, he would have said, “Hey Greg, good to meet you. We’re going to have good times, me and you.” If this blue sweatshirt had been a dude, he would have said something along the lines of, “Hey there, friend! Do you like magic tricks….cause I know magic!! Trust me…..chicks dig magic!! Ohh look…..got your nose!!” In other words…..I immediately knew I did not want to hang out with Blue Sweatshirt, whereas me and Gray Sweatshirt would have been boys.

But I gave him a chance…..wore him out a couple times. It was the equivalent of meeting up with my friends and a having a guy who enjoys magic tricks in tow, constantly saying things like, “You have a pack of cards….I’ll show you a trick!” and “Got your nose!!”. In other words…I was a little embarrassed.

It wasn’t too bad…..I got a few, “Hey, nice Blue Sweatshirt!” comments (sarcasm emphasized), but I dealt with it. No biggie.

But the icing on the cake was when I went to a concert with a couple of co-workers later in the week. One of my co-workers, who is female, asked me, “Hey Greg……where’s your blue sweatshirt?”

Now…..this was sort of an odd question. People don’t usually ask where one of my clothing pieces is.

“I didn’t wear it tonight,” I said. “Why?”

She started laughing. “Ohh, no reason.”

“No wait,” I said. “You said you liked it when I asked you at work. What’s the deal? Does it look stupid?”

“No, Greg,” she said, still laughing. “Its just, well, its blue.” She paused. “I mean, girls aren’t gonna notice something like that. You can still get girls. You’re not gonna get GQ Man of Year, or anything, but its not a big deal. Its just a hoodie.”

While the above paragraph may look somewhat straightforward, its actually very complex. Lets analyze it:

After being asked “Does it look stupid?”, my co-worker answered.

“No, Greg, its just, well, its blue.” This sentence is very dececptive. Without the “its just blue part,” its fine, but in its entirety, it can be translated to mean, “Yes, Greg, it looks very stupid…..its blue.”

Sentences Two and Three: “I mean, girls aren’t gonna notice something like that. You can still get girls.” These are not good sentences to hear. The fact that she is bringing up girls is bad in general. This is how I loosely translated this sentence: “Greg, you’re a good guy, and if you meet girls, they’ll probably notice this. But girls notice when things look bad, and if you walk into a bar with a bright blue sweatshirt, they are going to laugh at you and not take you seriously. Ofcourse, your sweatshirt is only a sweatshirt, but the bottom line is this: First impressions mean something, and a bright blue sweatshirt does not make a good first impression.”

Setence four: “You’re not gonna get GQ Man of Year or anything, but its not a big deal.”

A very bad thing to hear. To repeat: You’re not going to get GQ Man of the Year or anything…..] Thats something you never want to hear. You want to hear, “Damn, Greg, you look sharp!” You don’t want to hear the GQ sentence, for the following reason: I already am aware that I am not going to win GQ of the Year, seeing as I am not a model, and I no longer subscribe to the magazine (too many ads, not enough substance). So this is information that I am already well aware of: I am not going to win GQ Man of the Year. Which means that the sentence is not actually literal; it is metaphorical.

Seeing as I am not a model, the entire GQ Man of the Year metaphor can be thrown out the window. This can be replaced with “Most handsome guy at a party,” “Best dressed guy at bar,” “Sharp looking guy on the street”, whatever. I’m not saying I ever accomplish these things……but I do strive to look good. Which means that if I want to look good, or make an impression on somebody, the sweatshirt cannot be worn, because I will not accomplish my goal.

And finally, the last sentence, and perhaps the most important sentence: “Its just a hoodie.”

Yes, this is a very important sentence, for the following reason: It shows that the concept of a hoodie, as I (and many other folks see it), is totally misunderstood here.

You may remember from above: I talked about my hoodies as if they were people. Because that’s how a hoodie should be. It keeps you warm in the cold. If its raining, it keeps your head dry. It hangs out with all your buddies. It becomes a part of you.

By saying, “Its just a hoodie,” my co-worker was implying that I would not be wearing it to anything important. It is true that I would not wear a hoodie to a formal event; but a hoodie should be worn to something important with no second thought. A quality hoodie should be worn out with friends; a quality hoodie can be worn in any situation. They should be versatile.

By stating its just a hoodie, its implied that no one will see me where this hoodie, since I will only wear it while doing yardwork on Saturday afternoon, ect, ect…..And that, my friends, is not what hoodies are all about.

Hoodies should be seen; they should be respected; they should be loved.

So to re-iterate: this is why I decided to exchange my hoodie.

And as luck would have it, products ordered through LandsEnd.com can be returned at Sears. Sears is located in the CambridgeSide Galleria Mall, which is about a fifteen minute walk from where I get my car fixed.

There is a second part to this story…..but I don’t have time to finish it hear……so I will be back.

For now, here are my Thanksgiving Football picks:

DETROIT +3 over Green Bay

DALLAS -14 over Jets

Indy -12 over ATLANTA: This is the NFL Network’s new Annual Thankgiving night game. I hope its horrible. The NFL Network is ridiculous: just admit that you are a regular cable station already. Why the fuss? You’re already the most powerful sports league in the country…..do you really need to make a ruckus over this? For God’s Sake, there is good programming on this station….I want to watch it. You get ad revenue, assholes.

So out of spite, I hope Indy kills Atlanta in an absolutely terrible game that no one watches.

And you know what…..the odds are good.

I’ll be back to finish this story. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Until Next Time,

Greg

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4 thoughts on “The Hooded Sweatshirt Dilemna

  1. jay says:

    that sweat shirt was a little Napolean Dynamite…

  2. Kev says:

    You need to give that chic a couple hundy and have her pick your clothes out fella.

  3. Mellie says:

    Hi everybody! . Happy Thanksgiving!! .!! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
    Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays, and every year I like to get into the mood-extend the holiday, as it were-by reading “Thanksgiving novels.” Unsurprisingly, most of these stories are mostly about family and friends, about coming together to heal old hurts and giving them thanks for the gift of love. . .. ”
    Think You Are Better Off Today Than You Had been 4 Yrs Ago?

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