Upakrida (Sanskrit): A place for playing sports, a sports arena.
I bet you didn’t know any Sanskrit before reading this. Well, now you do. There will be many teams facing off in Upakridas today, and I can’t wait.
I may write about football these days, but name me another column that talks about football and teaches you Sanskrit. C’mon, I dare ya. If you find on, let me know.
And in case you weren’t aware: according to the Cologne Digital Sanskrit Lexicon, the Minister of the Sports, aka, the Master of the Revels, is known as the Kelisaciva. That’s right…..if you run into the Master of the Revels today, call him by his Sanskrit title, Kelisaciva, and see how he reacts.
Read on for more tidbits, a couple short stories (storiettes, actually), and some rudimentary football analysis.
For your reading pleasure……
Home teams in CAPS:
JACKSONVILLE -3 over San Diego: I used to read Bill Simmons a lot; he’s a columnist on espn.com. Some of you probably realize this since I totally steal his style when I write my football picks. Anyway, my point is this: he would often talk about the obvious game, and how it was wise to stay away from games that everyone seemed to be putting money on, due to the obvious-ness of who would cover.
Now…..I haven’t been keeping up with who’s betting on what this week. I have no idea who’s putting their money on Jacksonville, or on San Diego. I don’t know.
But what I do know is this: this line seems obvious to me. In my opinion, a fairly hot Jacksonville team is going to kill a fairly mediocre/sometimes very good San Diego team at home. It seems pretty obvious.
With that being said, I am not going to take Simmons advice: I’m going to go with what I see as being obvious. Call me stupid, or maybe even reckless. I’m going with the obvious. Maybe I’ll buck the system….if everyone sees this as being obvious, and they go against it because its too obvious, then maybe the ‘obvious’ becomes the ‘obvious’, and is, therefore, no longer ‘obvious.’
INDY -14.5 over Kansas City: Hmmm…….should I take the Chiefs? That’s a lot of points for Indy to cover….a whole lotta points. But the Chiefs…..they’re not bad, right? Right??
Umm…..I don’t know. They lost last week at home to Denver, who kinda sucks. And their starting QB singlehandledy lost my fantasy game last week, so he sucks. And they’re coached by a guy who admits that he doesn’t know how to use the internet, which is pretty much the equivilant of saying he doesn’t know how to take a poop by himself during this day and age, so he sucks. And they’re playing on the carpet at Indy, which probably means they’ll suck. And Bob Sanders may or may not be pissed off, and he doesn’t suck. And Joseph Addai is pretty sick, which is the opposite of sucking. And since KC seems to suck, I guess they’re actually not pretty good….atleast this week.
MINNESOTA -4.5 over Oakland: Anyone who takes Oakland in this game has the intelligence of a Stegasaurus. It’s been said by highly respected palentoligists that the Stegasaurus had a brain the size of a walnut. Although, they also had the really cool plates on their backs.
Cleveland -3 over BALTIMORE: Baltimore are homedogs, ehhh? Cleveland, favored on the road, you say??? Hmmm….in-tee-westing. Seems like a trap game….maybe one of those obvious games we talked about earlier. But you know what….Baltimore is terrible. They’re not even medicocre….they fooled people for about two weeks into thinking they were mediocre, but they’re really terrible. Plus, Romeo Crennel’s a good guy. Go with Cleveland, bro.
Pittburgh -9.5 over JETS: I’ve read that Pittsburgh is one of the cleanest and most underrated cities in the U.S.
Tampa Bay -3 over ATLANTA: Atlanta has more strip clubs per capita than any other city in the country.
Arizona +3 over CINCY: First underdog pick of the week!!! You know why I’m taking Zona as underdogs?!?! No really, do you?!?!
Because of the following hypothetical situation:
Walking down the side of the road, I heard the engine coming from miles away. I looked up at the sun. It seemed to smile down on me, whispering You’ll never drink again. Ever. You will die on this road. Thirsty.
No, Sun, I thought, there is a car coming. And he will save me.
The car pulled up several minutes later. And in the front seat sat a man with a Bengals shirt.
“Hey there, Boy!!!” he shouted. “I’m here to save your life. Right up the road, I’m gonna pull into my mansion and set you up in a bedroom. You will have free rein to do whatever you want. You will live with 5o of the most beautiful single women in the world, and I don’t even live there: it will be just you to keep them company. A gourmet chef will supply you with food; 25 plasma TVs have already been set up, with all the cable hook-ups, including the Direct TV NFL Package (RedZone Channel included).
The finest wines in the world are located in my basement; the finest champange in the world can be found in my ample refrigerators. On Monday nights you can hang out on the veranda and eat grapes, on Wednesdays famous musical groups come to perform privately, and on Thursday nights Snoop Dogg comes by to drink forties and play cards. And all of this is free…..because I really like me, you will never have to pay me rent, or work another day in your life.
But there’s one thing you need to do first…..you need to put $10 on the Cinncinati Bengals today. They are playing Arizona Cardinals at home. They are favored by three points. Chad Johnson is playing, as is Chris Henry. I really think they have a decent shot. Carson Palmer may throw for 500 yards today. If you just put $10 on this game, you can live this life, no strings attached.”
Reaching into my pocket, I found my pocket. My hands were bloody and cracked from the sun; I could barely grasp it, but I pulled it out into the desert air. Opening its folds, I found a crisp, ten dollar bill, and pulled. Alexander Hamilton seemed to mock me; the sun shone off his face.
Falling to my knees, I held up the 10 dollar bill in the air.
“The day I bet on the Bengals, is the day I rot in Hell!!! Good day, sir, and Good Riddance!!!!” I shouted for the whole world to hear. My voice bounced off the rocky walls of the desert surrounding us. It spoke again as it echoed across the valley.
The man looked shocked; he glanced away.
“I thought,” he stammered, ” I thought we might be fans together. But I guess….I guess now my dream is crushed. Thats all I wanted…..another Bengals fan in this god forsaken Hell.”
As he rolled up his passenger side window to conserve his AC, a single tear fell onto his Bengals jersey.
He drove away.
Several hours later, I lay on the side of the road. Death was not a question; Death was a certain. A vulture took a bite out of my neck. It didn’t matter….soon my flesh would be gone, and my bones would be all the birds would have. And try as they might, no vulture was going to eat my bones.
In my left hand, I held Alexander Hamilton.
“You’ll never get my money, birds,” I croaked. “Neither you, nor the Bengals. You can have my flesh, but not my Ten.”
PHILLY -9.5 over Miami: It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is one of the best TV shows I have ever seen. Seriously. Part South Park, part Arrested Development (not the rap group, dude!), part Curb Your Enthusiasm, it plays on FX on Thursday nights. I highly, highly recommend it. You don’t know what you’re missing.
New England -16 over Buffalo: Standing above the valley, the Patriots looked down below. Huge, gigantic beasts roamed everywhere. They were destroying the corn.
Samuel: Where do you think they came from? What, praytell, are they?
William: Beasts from Hell, I think. It may well be over, Samuel. We should have been Puritans.
Samuel: Do you think the Redcoats have something to do with it? Maybe the damn Tories brought them from somewhere.
William: I don’t know, Samuel, I don’t know. I guess we’ll have to kill them.
Looking up at the hill above them, the Buffalo saw two figures standing and talking.
Where are we, they thought. Where are we?
DALLAS -11 over Washington: The Cowboy and Indian sat next to each other in the den. The TV played in front of them.
“Why are we always killing each other on TV?” the Cowboy asked.
“Because that’s how it happened,” the Indian answered.
[Just so everyone knows….I hate the Redskins. I hope Dallas destroys them.]
HOUSTON -1.5 over New Orleans: True Story: My friend used to live in Houston, and drive to New Orleans once in awhile. On the way, he would have to stop at gas stations to fill up.
Once in Louisiana, the gas stations allow gambling. Walking into gas stations, he told me that there would actually be blackjack tables present. Can you imagine that? Playing Blackjack at a gas station in Louisiana?
Well, if you can’t, then I can….and I can say its not on the top of my list of things to do. For the record, my friend said these places were “scary.”
But I just want to know…..who would the dealer be? The cashier? The gas pumper? The sandwich guy? Did they just have a dealer who hung around all day? Some day, I need to pull up to a gas station in Louisiana and get to the bottom of this.
Ohh, and by the way…..Andre Johnson is finally back, and seeing as the Saints are officially wishy-washy, I take Houston.
GREEN BAY -9.5 over Carolina: I’m not worried about Green Bay winning by ten; I think they will, no problem.
What I’m worried about is Steve Smith. Seriously, for fantasy owners, this guy is the equivilant of the super hot girlfriend who has emotional problems, is high maitenance, and suddenly turns ugly every so often (but when she does, you know she’ll turn miracously hot again, and all your friends know this too). Seriously, its not worth the stress. A few years back, Steve and I were living in Fantasy Heaven together. Now…not so much.
DETROIT +2.5 over Giants: Homedog DuJour! Try it, you’ll love it!! Not everyone is brave enough to give it a whirl, but those who are get a true surprise!!! Step right up….only $3.50 today, the Sunday Special!
SAN FRAN +3 over St. Louis: Here’s a Mind Riddler for you: How is it that St. Louis, who until last week had no wins, can walk into an opposing field and be 3 point favorites.
Ohh, I know, I know!!! Its because they’re playing the 49ers, who are also terrible!
Very good, very good. You are correct. But with this being said…..doesn’t something feel fishy here? Ummm, should St. Louis really be road favorites here? Remember kids…..there not playing on the carpet this week…..they’re playing on grass.
Just think twice before putting all your marbles on St. Louis.
Chicago +5.5 over SEATTLE: I can’t believe I’m saying this…..but I like the Bears better than the Seahawks. Ohh…..what a brutal, brutal game this will be.
Tennessee +2 over DENVER: Another one of those obvious games…..and I’m going with the obvious.
Last Week: 4-9-1 (ouch!)
The Season: 73-62-8
Until Next Time,