Still on hiatus: Here’s some Football Picks!

Dave: “Stop! Stop, where did you go? You just took off after school? Do you know how worried I’ve been?”

Stoney: “God, you sound like my mom.”

Dave: “God, you can’t do that to me. [Looking closely at Link.] What’s on his nose?”

Stoney: “Just chill, Dave, cause you know why? Link and I had a Stoney time at the Mountain.”

Dave: “You took him to Mega Mountain? Are you crazy?”

Stoney: “Yah, cause they’re ridin’ the Vapor in reverse!”

Dave: “They are?”

Stoney: “Uhhh-huhhh.”

Dave: “Oh, cool.”

Link: “Check out the fresh nugs, wheezin’ the juice…..”

Link and Stoney, howling together: “Ooooooooooowwwwwwww! Buuuud-dy!”

In case you don’t know, the above sequence is from Encino Man. For those of you are either too young or too old to remember, Encino Man was about a Caveman, Link, who after being frozen for thousands of years, was thawed out by some high school kids, enabling him to learn English, get a girlfriend, and hang out with Pauly Shore.

Why do I bring up Encino Man this morning? Because I feel like I just woke up from being frozen in time. Let me elaborate.

Yesterday, I worked from about 7:30am to 7pm at an event for my work, after getting only two hours of sleep the night before. Riding high on coffee and energy drinks, I came home at 7 and planned to take a 3 hour nap before watching some TV and hanging out. Instead of sleeping till 10pm, as planned, I slammed my alarm down and slept until 9am this morning. Coming downstairs, I found the following: Number 1 LSU lost to Kentucky; Number 2 Cal lost to Oregon St. (after one of the most inept final minute performances I’ve ever seen; and the Red Sox lost to the Indians, after Eric Gagne (who else?) let up two runs in the 11th.

In this information laden world, where everything important that happens is known within two hours of the said event, I felt like I was living in 1850 this morning. Maybe a little bit of an exaggeration, but you get my point: seperate us from our regular sources of info (TV, phones, computers, newspapers, ect…) for even a day, and you start feeling like Link. A little bit.

Anyway…..I’ve only got a few hours to get my picks in, do my dad’s picks for him (he’s fishing in New Hamphire), adjust my Fantasy Teams, and try to watch Back to School on Comedy Central, as well as write about my picks here. Welcome back to Hell, Greg. [Update: After these commercial messages, I will witness a Triple Lindy].

Onto my picks [mandatory message: Yes, this column rips off Bill Simmons, but it also rips off anyone who writes NFL picks online. So there.]

Home teams in caps:

Cinncinati -3 over KANSAS CITY: This seems easy; maybe a little too easy. But honestly, KC only has two things going for them: they’re playing at home, the toughest field to play at in the league (Arrowhead), and they beat San Diego two weeks ago. That’s it.

Aside from that, Cinncinati is a much better team, coming off a bye. There is no way in Hell Cincy shouldn’t win convincingly here, even if their defense sucks.

JACKSONVILLE -6.5 over Houston: Houston was great at covering early in the season; they were “my guys.” But ever since they lost Andre Johnson, they haven’t been the same. As for Jacksonville, the most consistently inconsistent team in the league won convincingly last week. I’ll take them, grudgingly.

CLEVELAND -4 over Miami: Until Miami wins a game, I’m not picking them for anything. As for Cleveland, New England fans saw last week that they’r better then most people think. Playing at home, I don’t think Miami has a chance.

CHICAGO -5 over Minnesota: I’m a big momentum guy. After their big win last week, I think the Bears get it together, if only for a few weeks. Minnesota is one of those pesky teams who are good at covering as underdogs, but I hope for their sake that the Bears can win at home by a touchdown on this afternoon.

JETS +3.5 over Philly: Taking the homedog here; honestly, it really comes down to the fact that I really, really don’t like Philly. If Westbrook was 100%, maybe, but as far as we know (which means nothing), he’s not. I think the Jets can come out with a win here.

BALTIMORE -9 over St. Louis: This game reminds me of the Perfect Circle Theory that I’ve heard. The theory goes like this: The only people in the world that can draw a perfect circle are completely crazy. I don’t know how much scientific input has gone into this theory (I’m guessing not much), but its an interesting theory nontheless. Whatever the case….I’m good, cause I can’t draw a perfect circle.

But my point is this: Anyone who can look at this Baltimore-St. Louis spread,, and discipher what the Hell is going to happen, is completely nuts. It makes me crazy just thinking about it. On one hand you have Baltimore, the model underachievers of the league; on the other hand you have St. Louis, the worst team in the league. I know Baltimore is going to win at home (that’s easy), but are they actually going to cover? Are they going to inexplicably let St. Louis hang around? Are we going to see updates from New York with Stephen Jackson running for 300 insanse touchdowns? I don’t know, and I don’t want to; if I did, I’d be crazy. And additionally, anyone who thinks they do know, and actually lays a little money on this game, is crazy.

TAMPA BAY -2.5 over Tennessee: Tough, tough game to call. Two really good teams going at it. This is going to be a great game to watch if you’re at a bar or have the DirectTV package. I’m just hoping for good battle.

Washington +3 over GREEN BAY: It’s time for me to stop sleeping on Washington: I have been all year, and they’re good. As for Green Bay: they threw a game away last week, and that’s never good for the psyche. Let’s see how they recover.

ARIZONA -6 over Carolina: I love Vinnny, but I also love Warner.

New England -5.5 over DALLAS: Go Pats!!

Oakland +9.5 over SAN DIEGO: Call me crazy: I think Oakland, coming off a bye, is going to keep it close against San Diego this week. San Diego beat up on a so-so Denver squad last week, and despite momentum, I think the Raiders keep it close.

SEATTLE -6 over New Orleans: Let’s go Bobby Engram!!

Giants -.3.5 over ATLANTA: Yah, it may seem like a trap game; but I just can’t put any faith into Atlanta. Sorry.

That’s it; hope I do well after an absolutely dismal performance last week:

Last week: 5-9

The Season: 38-32-6

Have a good Sunday everyone!

Until Next Time,



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