“We must’nt hurt any humans.”
As you may have read in my earlier post, I went and saw Transformers on Saturday. Hadn’t been to the theaters in awhile; just felt it was time. I’m not really gonna do a review….I’m just going write some quick-hit thoughts on the experience.
Plot: I thought the plot was pretty good, for what it is: a blockbuster summer/action movie. The good robots come to Earth to save their universe (I think); the bad robots come to Earth to do bad stuff, and hurt people. Honestly, for a summer blockbuster, I’m not looking for much else. However….
Dialogue: The dialogue could’ve been better. I mean, I’m not looking for much, as I just demonstrated in the above paragraph, but give me something to work with. For awhile, especially in the beginnning, it was just downright awkward. I think whoever the screenwriter was just gave it to his 11-year old daughter to work on. I mean, all I ask is that it sounds like real conversation…..it sounded pretty canned to me, even for the genre (Spider-Man, Incredible Hulk, ect, ect…)
Another Problem: the main guy was a total dweeb. I can’t be alone on this….he was awful. I wanted to jump through the movie screen halfway through and beat him up, and I’m a pretty mild-mannered guy. He just wasn’t a likeable guy: he took being dorky to a knew level, and it wasn’t cool. Then I found out his name was Shia LeBeouf. Yah, I think its safe to say that we’re all a little cooler than Shia.
As for the main girl: I’ve seen better. As is standard in these movies, the main guy has a main girl that he falls for, and then she ends up being a pretty tough cookie, and she helps him with whatever the problem is. And ohh yah, she’s gotta be hot. Anyway, the girl from Transformers fit the role…..but it was like eating a hotdog with no mustard. Sure, she had all the qualifications, but there was no flavor. She wasn’t even that hot (yes, she was hot, but, I don’t know, something was missing). Above all, her personality was just a little too indifferent: the whole time she gave off a vibe that was sort of like, “Um, yah, like, let’s save some robots.” I wasn’t impressed. Here’s her webpage.
Ofcourse, super dork managed to not appreciate the coolest part of this girl. When it came to light that she used to steal cars (hmmm…..where have I seen this in a summer movie before?) he was like, “What?!? Why didn’t you tell me??” He was all offended. If I found out that my girlfriend used to steal cars, I’d be like, “Yah, baby, you rock! That’s f**king awesome!” A sidenote about this relationship: of all the improbable movie relationships, this one just might take the cake. I mean, this guy was too dorky for even me, and I’m a freaking dork: I write in a blog, for God’s sake. And this girl, not to be judgemental or anything, sort of seemed like a superficial bitch.
Let’s sort this out: In the beginning of the movie, she’s hanging out with the football players and cool people, and dating some guy on the team (we’ll assume for the time being he’s the quarterback). They’re all kind of jerks. We notice her smiling at this kid as he gives a God-awful school presentation. Then, without warning, she breaks up with her boyfriend (when he won’t let her drive, cause of his rims), and she gets picked up by the loser that everyone hates. And after saving the entire future of a race of robots and planet Earth, she falls for this guy.
I’m sorry….there’s no way this would last. In the sequel (you know…..when the Deceptacons swim up from the bottom of the ocean), we should be shown a ten minute sequence when she dumps his ass for the local basketball/hockey/football/baseball/wrestling hero. Please…..show us this. I hate this guy. (Note: the first time I read about all-time improbable on-screen couples was while reading Bill Simmons on espn.com. He mentioned the main guy and girl in Back to School. While this is a perfect example, I think the Transformers couple actually takes the cake….atleast the girl in Back to School seemed friendly).
Alright, enough about people.
Let’s Talk about Robots: The robots, were…..well, they were cool. I mean, it wasn’ the greatest special effects I’ve ever seen….but they were cool. Unfortunatley, I haven’t been keeping up with the cartoon (or rather, watching old episodes from twenty years ago), so I didn’t know who everyone was. Ofcourse Optimus Prime was there…..and Bumblebee was the main guy’s guardian. I mean, there’s not much else to say….they were pretty cool (I liked the guy who wanted to take everyone out the whole time).
One thing I noticed…..Optimus seemed very old. I think this was a good thing……I just got an old man vibe from him.
As for the Action Scenes: This was one area where the movie shined. The action scenes were top notch. Car chases, robot battles, rockets, the whole deal……the action scenes were great. They didn’t skimp there.
Movie Length: A half hour too long. I’m sorry, but 2.5 hours was too much……they should have cut out about a half an hour. I really started to lose interest during the final robot scene, and just wanted the damn movie to end (ofcourse, it may have been because it was the late show and was about 12:30am).
Tyrese: Tyrese did a good job. Again, nothing that was really stood out…..but I liked him.
Johnny Knoxville?????: I swear to God, the Captain in the Army (main guy number 2) was Johnny Knoxville. Is anyone with me? Actually, it was Josh Duhamel. I swear to God…..this guy mine as well be Knoxville’s twin. I was convinced it was him. Anyway, I actually liked this guy.
Jon Voight: Jon Voight was there. Is it me, or does he just always seem to show up in movies like this? I didn’t know who was in it, but when I saw him, I wasn’t surprised. It was like I expected him to be there.
The Token “Fat, Un-Athletic guy who is a wiz with computers and provides comic relief”: Introducing……Anthony Anderson!
The Token “I’m totally hot, but you better respect me, because I’m the smartest person here, and I’m going to save the planet whether you like me or not” girl: Some blonde girl who was British. I love how Hollywood just assumes, “Well, if we make her British, everyone will believe it when she turns out to be brillant.” Whatever…I didn’t mind. Her real name is Rachel Taylor.
John Turtorro: Hey, Movie People. The next time you cast John Turtorro in a movie like this, can you not make him a total loser that nobody likes? Thanks….he’s one of my favorite actors.
Bernie Mac was there. As usual, there was a warm, fuzzy feeling in my stomach.
The Parents: The parents of Shia provided comic relief. How do put this…..I would call them the “Poor Man’s Parents from American Pie.” Ofcourse, it was pretty much only the Dad in American Pie…..but I got the same vibe. And they weren’t nearly as funny. They even went so far as to have an uncomfortable discussion about masturbation, followed by amazement that their son had a hot girl in the room. I kept expecting Stifler to run into the room. Anyway….I wasn’t a big fan, but despite all this, I laughed.
Bumblebee: I liked Bumblebee, but I thought his relationship with his buddy was a little unhealthy. C’mon bro…..you gotta go back to your planet with your own kind. Why would you wanna hang out with a human all the time…..especially a nerd like Shia. Not only that, but wouldn’t it be a little awkward for Shia to make out with his girlfriend while he knows Bumblebee is always watching.
All of this being said…..I almost got teary when they took Bumblebee to do tests on him. It reminded me of E.T. when they took E.T. away from Eliot to do tests on him. I’m glad he got his voice back in the end.
Anyway, those are most of my thoughts on Transformers. I didn’t mind it….but I probably won’t see it again for awhile. However, I was laughing for extended periods of the movie…..that’s always a good thing.
Until Next Time,