Fake 2007 NCAA Tourney: Mascots!
Hey, to anyone reading this:
I wrote this entry back in the day, when I wrote all the time with passion. Now…..not so much. A lot of stuff has occurred since two years, but mainly, I just don’t have the time or interest anymore. Does it mean I’ll never take up writing again? Ofcourse not. Just not at the moment.
Anyway……
When I started writing this two years ago, I was really, really excited. And about an eighth of the way in, I was exhausted. Needless to say, I didn’t even come close to finishing it. And honestly, I didn’t even really enjoy writing it: by the end, I was flipping out about my computer screwing up and getting drunk in my kitchen. Bascially, a mess.
But about a month ago, I was checking something on my old blog site (grhovane.wordpress.com), stumbled across this stuff, and really enjoyed reading it. I remember a few people begging me to finish it, and telling them, truthfully, that I didn’t have the time and it killed me more than any other project. But looking back, I really wish I had finished. I wonder who would have won…..
Well, I only see it fIitting to post it here. I don’t write shit anymore, and I kinda wish I did, but I also really enjoy my free time without stressing out about writing (which I was doing).
One note: I remember really looking forward to deciding who would win between the Louisville Cardinals and the Stanford Cardinal. I never got that far.
Another note: The chances that I attempt this this year are a million to one. But as Jim Carrey once said: “So you’re saying there’s a chance…….”
And one more note: I was watching ESPN tonight and saw President Obama explain his picks for the tourney. Now, I voted for Obama and am glad that I did, and stand by my decision. I’m by no means an Obama-maniac, or very politcally minded for that matter. I read The Economist weekly, and try to stay up to date on what’s going on in the world, such as the upcoming NATO Summit.
But I have to say: it was refreshing and awesome to watch Obama be a regular guy and pick some teams. Maybe I’ve been temporarily bitten by the “Obama Celebrity Bug” that Republicans talked about before the election. Maybe he’s just damn charming. Or maybe its a little bit of both. But I liked the fact that he was a regular guy (as much as he could be), admitting he was too busy to watch many games but showing true interest. And he didn’t overdue it at all: it was genuine more than anything.
On a similar note, one of the main reasons I didn’t vote for Gore in 2000 ( I went Nader) was because Gore once referred to Michael Jordan as Michael Jackson. On the guy-o-meter, that’s inexcusable: and also just in general. In the late ’90s, you knew who Jordan was, and didn’t screw him up with Michael Jackson. Period.
Now, not to ramble here, but: back in about 2003, I had a conversation with a college buddy who told me that he really liked George Bush because Bush was “just a regular guy, who you could drink beer with.” This buddy wasn’t a typical Bush-ite: he was fairly liberal and worked now works as a creative thinker for an advertising firm. But his argument was simple: Bush was simple, and therefore good. And I actually bought into for awhile, because it was a rogue argument that was extremely unpopular at the time.
But in all honestly: I never bit into it fully. Bush was almost too much of a regular guy: he may have been simple, but he never impressed me with intelligent thought. And I could never imagine him showing up on ESPN to pick teams. If Bush was on, in all honestly, I can only imagine the forced jokes and honey-sweet rhetoric. Obama was straight to the point and funny with his jokes.
Is this important to the Presidency, or relevant to the world at all: absolutely not. But does it make me feel good: yes, it does. We’ll see where my feelings get us…..
Now, on to the stuff I came to cut and paste:
Without further ado, here is some stuff I wrote two years ago. I retrospect, it was a huge project that I should have taken time off from work to finish. But ohh well….
—-
Hey Everyone….how’s it going. Good? Glad to hear it. Have you ever wondered what would happen if instead of basketball games being played in the NCAA Basketball tournaments, the mascots simply battled to the death? Well I have. Forget the brackets you’ve figured out; your whole bracket world is about to be thrown upside down
Without further ado,
THE BATTLE OF THE COLLEGE BASKETBALL MASCOTS….WHO WILL BE VICTORIOUS??
Before I do anything, I have to give a shout out to my Main Man Kevin Canavan, who has already seen this plan in motion (back in the fall, with NFL football teams. No one but his dad was there to witness it; until the time comes around again, I won’t reveal who won). While watching b-ball with him yesterday, he brought it up. And a lightbulb went on in my head. Ahoy! So Kev….thanks for the inspiration, dawg.
Let’s get to the rules of play:
1) The mascots are not playing each other in basketball….that would just be ludicrous. They are fighting…TO THE DEATH!!!
2) A basketball team sends five guys to the court…for the time being, we’ll say that five of each mascot will be sent to face another five, although it may get complicated, and I think the rules will need to be tweaked. (I think the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets will cause the most problems here).
3) Basketball is played on hardwood floors. For the sake of the mascots, who usually don’t do battle on hardwood, we’ll move them to a neutral, outdoor setting.
4) Since I am the Commish of this league…the final rules involving discrepencies comes down to me, and me only. I will be fair and just.
Now….the Matchups.
Play in game:
The Florida A&M Rattlers vs. The Niagra Purple Eagles
Round 1, The Midwest:
The Florida Gators vs. The Jackson State Tigers
The Arizona Wildcats vs. The Purdue Boilermakers
The Butler Bulldogs vs. The Old Dominion Monarchs
The Maryland Terrapins vs. The Davidson Wildcats
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. The Winthrop Eagles
The Oregon Ducks vs. The Miami of Ohio Redhawks
The UNLV Rebels vs. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
The Wisconsin Badgers vs. The Texas A&M Corpus Christi Islanders
The West:
The Kansas Jayhawks vs. The Florida A&M Rattlers or The Niagra Purple Eagles
The Kentucky Wildcats vs. The Villanova Wildcats
The Virginia Tech Hokies vs. The Illinios Fighting Illini
The Southern Illinois Salukies vs. The Holy Cross Crusaders
The Duke Blue Devils vs. The Virginia Commonwealth Rams
The Pittsburgh Panthers vs. The Wright State Raiders
The Indiana Hoosiers vs. The Gonzaga Bulldogs
The UCLA Bruins vs. The Weber State Wildcats
The East:
The North Carolina Tarheels vs. The Eastern Kentucky Colonels
The Marquette Golden Eagles vs. The Michigan State Spartans
The USC Trojans vs. The Arkansas Razorbacks
The Texas Longhorns vs. The New Mexico State Aggies
The Vanderbilt Commodores vs. The George Washington Colonials
The Washington State Cougars vs. The Oral Roberts Golden Eagles
The Boston College Eagles vs. The Texas Tech Red Raiders
The Georgetown Hoyas vs. The Belmont Bruins
The South:
The Ohio State Buckeyes vs. The Central Conneticutt State Blue Devils
The BYU Cougars vs. The Xavier Musketeers
The Tennessee Vols vs. The Long Beach State 49ers
The Virginia Cavaliers vs. The Albany Great Danes
The Louisville Cardinals vs. The Stanford Cardinal
The Texas A&M Aggies vs. The Penn Quakers
The Nevada Wolf Pack vs. The Creighton Bluejays
The Memphis Tigers vs. The North Texas Mean Green
Phew….that took awhile.
Okay….
There is no possible way I’m going to be able to go over every match up in the First Round tonight, let alone the whole tournament. This might be a mulitple entry procedure. But I’ll see what I can get done tonight, starting with the West Bracket, which has the play-game. So before the tourney starts, lets go over the play-in game.
The Florida A&M Rattlers vs. The Niagra Purple Eagles:
Rattlers, for the most part, are a pretty formidable foe. They’re poisonous, aggressive, and sneaky. In a neutral outdoor setting, with five rattlers slithering around, I think any opponent would be intimidated.
Ofcourse, we’re not dealing with any opponent here: we’re dealing with Purple Eagles. Purple Eagles?!?! I mean, I’ve heard of some crazy shit, but I think Purple Eagles take the cake. Are these special eagles? Are they magical? As far as I know, there are no purple eagles in the wild. So what kind of eagles, are purple eagles, exactly?
Here’s what I say: they’re majestic and fierce….but not magical. Sorry, there’s no mention of magic here. But they are purple, don’t forget. All of this being said…I think the Purple Eagles take the Rattlers down. The Rattlers are at a distinct disadvantage, because the Purple Eagles can swoop from above and take out the Rattlers, one at a time. Don’t get me wrong…I think a Purple Eagle could get bitten in the melee. I just don’t see them losing.
Victor: The Niagra Purple Eagles
Round 1, The West:
The Purple Eagles get no rest…they immediately have to take on the Kansas Jayhawks. Which, honestly, doesn’t seem like as formidable a task. I mean…Jayhawks sound tough and everything, but against Purple Eagles…I don’t know. Let’s not forget….these are Purple Eagles that just defeated a bunch of nasty Rattlers. I think the Jayhawks would certainly be tough, especially off some rest…but I just think the Purple Eagles prevail here. I don’t know…just a gut feeling.
The Victor: The Purple Eagles
Okay folks…thats all I can do right now. Sorry…gotta get some shut eye. But I will be back to finish this epic tournament.
Until Next Time,
Greg
—
Alright, lets get down to business, no waiting around….
We’re moving on in the Mascot Basketball Challenge, whether you like it or not.
I’m starting with the Midwest, even though we already decided the play in game and first game in the West earlier. We’ll get back to that region. Anyone who is confused, check in with the last blog entry for rules and regulations, and to know what the hell I’m talking about.
Let the games….BEGIN:
The Midwest:
The Florida Gators vs. The Jackson St. Tigers:
Okay…this is one is pretty straight forward. We have two powerful, ferocious groups of predators facing off against one another in a neutral, outdoor setting. I think the neutral setting, however, actually hurts the Gators here. Gators need water to be very effective: without it, they lose their stealth. I think the Tigers pull out a win…but I think its bloody, and hard fought.
The Arizona Wildcats vs. The Purdue Boilermakers:
Okay…this is pretty interesting. First, we have the Wildcats, from Arizona. Since we don’t know what wildcats are being talked about here, we will presume they are natural to Arizona (I’m taking some liberties and making up rules as I go…let me know if you have a problem with this). Assuming this, we’ll say its a mix-bag of bobcats, cougars, and other assorted cats.
As for the Boilermakers, well….we’ll say five professionally made boilermakers, with Bud Light and Jack Daniels, will be laid out on the ground ( a boilermaker, for those who don’t know, is a beer with a shot of whiskey thrown into it). Like I said, interesting.
Wildcats are ferocious predators, known to attack people sometimes…but I wouldn’t call them “smart.” To expect a wildcat to understand what a boliermaker is, well, simply impossible. My estimation: the cats would drink the boilermakers and get drunk.
Now….I believe this would be detrimental to the cats well-being. But, that being said, the Boilermakers would cease to exist….therefore, although their plan to get the cats drunk succeeded, the boilermakers attempt suicide in the process.
The Butler Bulldogs vs. The Old Dominion Monarchs:
Well now…this is interesting. I’m not a big fan of bulldogs in battles…sure, they have strong jaws, and can intimidate foes with their drool…but are they really good fighters? I say no.
However, I’m not sure that a group of five Monarchs would really impress me.
Honestly, I think these two would make better friends than foes….I mean, can’t you see some old, crusty monarch from 300 years ago walking around with a spoiled bulldog as a pet? I can. But fighting each other…I think it’d be a little weird.
I see it happening in this way: five random monarchs, from various countries, of varying ages, enter the neutral area. They are given nice, plush chairs to sit on, and each a platter of grapes to eat from.
The bulldogs are led out, and let loose.
And for awhile, nothing happens. The bulldogs walk around slobbering; the monarchs sit around, talking of their palaces and their royal halls, and eating their grapes. Eventually, they get up to befriend the bulldogs, who seem somewhat royal themselves. And out of boredom and hunger, the bulldogs attack the monarchs, and eventually win the match.
I’m sorry…that may have seemed lame. But I am not, under any circumstances, allowing stalemates in this tourney…one way or another, there will be a winner. In the end….someone’s got to go. That’s the only way I saw it happening.
The Maryland Terrapins vs. The Davidson Wildcats
Hmm….more wildcats….only this time, they land a challenging foe.
For those who don’t know, terrapins are giant snapping turtles (I googled it just to make sure). Wildcats, as we already know, are wildcats. I think this would be a tremendous match-up, with non-stop excitement. The terrapins, slow but strong; the wildcats, quick and lean. I think it would last for hours, and I also think opinions would vary as to who would win….but I think, in the end, the terrapins outwit the cats, and eventually take them down. Remember….Turtles Have Wisdom (atleast I think they do…they live to be like 140 years old).
The Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. The Winthrop Eagles:
Ahh…here’s one of the matchups I’ve been waiting for. A bunch of fighting Irish dudes….against eagles. At Notre Dame games, a leprehchan guy (I’m not even gonna look up how to spell that…actually, it kinda looks right) runs around the field/court. We’re elimating him….and replacing him with some of the craziest, drunkest, Irish dudes I know. I know a lot of them. It kind of sucks….they get to go against….eagles. The most cliched sports animal ever. Whatever….here’s how I see it.
The Irish dudes are pissed at being made to do this, and they’re drunk. They’re allowed to bring their beers into the fighting area with them. The majestic eagles, flying high above, see their drunken targets below. Easy pickens, right?
Wrong. The first eagle swoops, hits a guy in the head, draws blood….and gets these crazy, drunk Irish dudes REALLY pissed. They start chucking a barrage of beer cans, beer bottles, and rocks at the birds. The birds can’t handle it. The Fighing Irish kick the crap out of them. And afterwards, they grill the eagles over an open pit…and drink more beers.
(If anyone was offended by my portrayal of Fighting Irish dudes….just make fun of Armenians, of which I am half. Or actually, just make fun of any ethnic group/religion/club that you feel like. Just don’t fight me.)
The Oregon Ducks vs. The Miami of Ohio Redhawks:
Ahhh, the Ducks….the absolute lamest mascot of all time, not including the Arlington Spy Ponders (inside joke for those from eastern Mass.). I don’t care if they’re an intrical part of Oregon’s history….I don’t care if ducks founded the state, wrote the constitution, and designed the state flag. Its still a shitty name for a sports team. They’re not even cool, like cardnals or bluejays…there, just, well, ducks!!
If you even have to think about what I think the Redhawks would do to the Ducks…well, you’re reading the wrong blog (on that note, you’re probably reading the wrong blog anyway).
The UNLV Rebels vs. The Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets:
Okay….this is where my whole system hits a snag. Up until this point, according to my earlier post regarding this tourney, five of each mascot would enter the fighting area (per five basketball players per team to a court).
This is all fine and well for the Rebels….but for the Yellow Jackets, it just doesn’t work. Yellow Jackets, like all members of the bee/wasp family, produce their terror in numbers. Unless you’re allergic to bees, they’re only a nusance if there’s a few of them; a break a nest, and watch out.
If these Rebels, armed with….well, guns and stuff, I guess…were to face off against five yellow jackets…..well, they’d probably get a few stings, and then squish the little suckers. But if hundreds of yellow jackets were allowed to fight…well forget about the Rebels, the Yellow Jackets might be the tourney favorites.
I’m sort of torn here…..but I’m also in a hurry, and don’t have time to dwell, so I’m making an executive decision:
“It is with great regret that I, Greg Hovanesian, Commissioner of this fake Tournament, turn down the request of the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets, who have requested that five hundred bees be allowed to fight, instead of five.”
Tough loss for the Jackets….but it was just as tough a decision by me. Honestly…its one of the toughest decisions I’ve ever made, and it leaves me with a heavy heart…I like those little guys. (In real life…I HATE BEES).
The Wisconsin Badgers vs. The Texas A&M Corpus Christie Islanders:
With all due respect….this would be a bloodbath.
Badgers, like Terrapins, are a sleeper pick for myself (for those not familiar with the term: an opponent that critics “sleep” on….and end up being better than expected). Badgers are really, really, tough. They live in tough climates. They can take down a deer with a single blow….okay, maybe not. But they’re damn tough little critters….and they fight dirty.
As for the Islanders….well, being from the South, we’ll say their tropical island dwellers. I love Islanders….they’re easy going, make cool drinks, and party on the beach. I mean, they make great company. But Islanders, atleast in my mind, aren’t really great fighters (anyone upset with my perception of Islanders….see above about the Irish).
Anyway…I think the Islanders, much like the earlier Monarchs, would try to befriend the Badgers. And, much to their chagrin…the badgers would launch their nasty attack. Honestly….this makes me sad to think about. I like Islanders…they’re good people.
And this marks the end of the Midwest Bracket:
Sorry, I’ve gotta go to bed. But don’t fret….this baby ain’t done yet. Peace.
Greg
—-
Okay, we’re gonna keep the ball rolling, just a few things first:
Well, I’m bleeding in my real brackets. Situation: I picked Notre Dame to go not only to the Sweet Sixteen in the NCAAs, but the Elite Eight. And they lost to Winthrop. The sad part: I really wanted to pick Winthrop, but Notre Dame was one of my pre-tourney faves, so I had to stick with them. But because of this, I was actually rooting for Winthrop on TV (I forgot I had ND in the Elite Eight, I thought it was only the Sweet Sixteen). The point to all this: I suck. But hey, atleast I picked Virginia Commonwealth to beat Duke; now all they have to do is beat Pitt and I’m all set.
Quick Movie Review: Here’s a quick review of “300″, which I saw last weekend:
It sucked. It reminded my of a boring opera with no music. It made me tired. There was too much blood; not enough substance. I was bored 12 minutes in. I hated Spartans by the end of the movie. I found out that monsters existed in Ancient Greece, and mingled with humans, and had big teeth. I also found out that wolves were about 1,600 pounds, had yellow, glowing eyes, and looked really fake back then. I hated everyone in the movie except for a twelve foot monster who kicked ass about halfway through, and some deformed dude.
To sum it up: I reminded me of a nice, delicious plate of steaming dog poop. Hey, if this sounds like your type of movie….CHECK IT OUT!!!!
Moving on….
Yes, its true….advertising works!:
I’ve been watching a lot of college hoops for the last 3-4 weeks, and I’ve noticed an ad that occurs over and over: its for Buffalo Wild Wings, some restaurant chain I’ve never heard of. Well, I’ve fallen in love with this place, and not because of the food, or anything I’ve heard: only because of the ads. Which aren’t even that cool; they just kind of suck me in.
What does this mean? Well, it means that someday I’ll pull off a random highway in some random state, and there, in front of me, will be a Buffalo Wild Wings. I’ll stare in shock for a couple minutes, and then mutter, “My God, its what I’ve been waiting for.”
And I’ll probably get a buffalo chicken sandwich with a Ceasar Salad on the side, and it will probably be lame, and maybe I’ll sit at the bar and have a beer or too.
Why am I telling you this? Because it proves that adverstising does work; in perverse ways, maybe, but it works.
Okay..back to My Fake Tourney.
If you don’t know what’s going on…check back a couple of entries ago:
We’re going back to the West, where we already know that the Niagra Purple Eagles take down the Kansas Jayhawks in the first game. Let’s see how the rest of the bracket plays out:
The Villanova Wildcats vs. The Arizona Wildcats:
Okaaaaay….I don’t even know what to say. Is this lame, or so lame that its cool? I say it its kinda cool. Like I said in an earlier post, there will no stalemates, no matter the situation. So one of these groups of wildcats is going to come out on top: end of story.
I’m making another executive decision here: the wildcats facing each other will be directly related to the geography of each school. That means that the wildcats of Villanova will be directly associated with Philadelphia; and the wildcats of of Kentucky will be associated with, well, Kentucky.
This leaves us with five Philly Wildcats, presumably alley cats and strays, to face up against bobcats and cougars from the backwoods of Kentucky.
Look, alley cats are tough and everything….I used to hear them fighting behind my house growing up (interestingly, there is no alley behind the house where I grew up). But in this situation, I’ll take the cats who weigh about 200 more pounds and eat deermeat for dinner.
The Victors: Kentucky
Next up: The Virginia Tech Hokies vs. The Illinios Fighting Illini
Okay…its Google Time!!
After googling “Hokies” I came back, well….confused. A little history about Virginia Tech: turns out, they were originally the Virginia Tech Gobblers; then at some point, Tech fans starting cheering “Hokie, Hokie, Hokie, Hi!” at games. Umm…whatever. But I guess everyone loved this cheer so much that it was decided to officially change the name of the team to “The Hokies,” and even rip down the Gobbler on the scoreboard (although it was later put back up).
So, to put it plainly: The Hokies, are, well…a type of cheer.
The Illini, on the other hand, are an American Indian tribe from Illinois. And being The Fighting Illini….well, we’ll assume they’re pissed off and armed.
Now this is somewhat interesting: its already been established that 5 of each mascot will enter the neutral outdoor setting: the 5 Fighting Illini are easy.
But how, exactly, do you count 5 hokies? Simple: you don’t. The Hokies, actually, are not actually anything: because of this, there will only be one Hokie, and this Hokie will not even exist.
As I see it: the Fighting Illini wait for someone to show up, but all they here is “Hokie, Hokie, Hokie, Hi!” being chanted over and over.
I think this would freak a lot of people out, Illini included: there wouldn’t even be an opponent to fight, just: “Hokie.” This all brings up an interesting question: how, exactly, do you defeat something that doesn’t exist. Simple answer: you don’t. But this brings up the whole stalemate issue. So a new rule is being created by me, on the spot: “If an opponent cannot be defeated in any way, then it is decided that they lose by default.”
So there, the Hokies lose. Even if the Hokies could pull off a win (which I don’t think they would; I don’t care how scared or freaked the Illini would get, I don’t see them actually losing to Hokies), they would lose by default because in actuality, they don’t exist.
So the victors, by default: Illinois
Next up…The Southern Illinois Salukis vs. The Holy Cross Crusaders:
Well, I learned something today: a Saluki is a type of dog that has been around for atleast 3,500 years. To see a picture of one, check this out: . (I hope this link works; I’m an idiot and may have screwed it up). It turns out they were bred to hunt in Egypt and Mesopotamia: what they’re doing in Southern Illinois….I have no freaking idea.
By the way, I know I’ve messed up the link somehow cause I looked at my draft….um, give me time.
Nope…I didn’t….now I’m pissed. Goddamned Salukies!!! Screw ‘em…I’m glad they lost!!!!
Okay, if you’re annoyed that this entire thing has become a link….so am I.
The Part-Time Blogger Returns: Super Bowl Thoughts
Hi,
So I watched the Super Bowl last night: here are some thoughts:
Ben Roethlisberger should have won MVP. No question. I understand Santonio Holmes had a tremendous game, and if he was on a fantasy team would have made his owner happy, but I don’t see how he gets it over Big Ben.
For the entire game, Big Ben was Brilliant. There’s no other word to describe his game play. One Example:
Throughout the game, there were atleast five or six plays when Arizona defenders penetrated the backfield: up the field they ran, their mission to seek and destroy quarterback flashing in their eyes. And what happened? Ben avoided them. This is a big guy, who’s not especially fast in the open field. But with athletic defenders trying to kill him, he escaped. And not only that: he made the completions while running away.
Even more flabbergasting is that Big Ben has been doing this his entire career, and aside from Steelers fans, all we seem to forget.
I’m convinced that Big Ben is underrated for one reason and one reason only: he doesn’t put up fantasy stats. Last night looked like most his games this year: about 100 yds passing, maybe one TD, maybe a pick. Not great for fantasy stuff. Compared with Warner, who threw for 379 yds and two touchdowns, you would think he was a slouch. And on a fantasy team, he would be. But Big Ben played a much better game compared to Warner, who had big numbers despite looking timid and afraid for most of the game.
As football fans, most of us, myself included, have fallen into this dangerous way of viewing the game: stats, stats and more stats. But with football, as most will tell you, its never all about the stats. Fantasy football, in many ways, has made us all less intelligent football watchers.
That being said, I plan on winning my fantasy league next year, and staying in the throne as Commish: I’m just saying.
But back to Ben: can anyone explain why Holmes got the MVP over his QB? Don’t get me wrong, it was a solid A performance: great running after the catch several times to keep drives alive, and the spectacular game winning catch. But I don’t see how that trumps Ben: he played brillantly, completed crucial pass after crucial pass, and he outran guys twice as fast as him. And lets not forget: his last drive, from the one yard with 1(?) minute to go, was Montana-esq. I would say his drive was on even-par of Montana vs. The Bengals: how is he not MVP? I don’t know.
Moving on….
My Bitter Moment of the Night: Watching Willie Parker run around like a healthy running back. Really Willie? After an agonizing year of you murdering my fantasy season, who decide to be good when I don’t want you to win? Your officially on my shitlist (and Willie officially could give two shits…..)
Moving on……
Commercials: We should all just admit this right now: Super Bowl commercials have not been Super Bowl commercials for 10 years. Ten years ago, everyone watched the Super Bowl. The local Star Trek convention would call off the Sunday Night Meeting to watch football and commercials. It used to be a cultural event.
And now, years later, its not. The internet and hundreds of cable channels, along with DVR and OnDemand, have murdered this concept. But we keep pretending the Super Bowl commercials are incredible. They’re not. That being said, I liked the following:
The Audi commercial with The Transporter.
The Coke Zero ad with Troy Polamalu: (I hate the nerdy Coke Zero guys with passion: not sure if I was happy to see them get tackled, or pissed that I had to see them at all).
The Miller High Life 1 Second Ad: High Life!
The Denny’s Ad with the Mobsters: the funniest, most creative of the night.
And the Winner, in my opinion: CASH 4 GOLD! About 100 times better than I imagined. Golden!
Moving On…..
Arizona didn’t just shoot themselves in the foot for the first three quarters as much as the dipped their feet in sulfuric acid and watched their skin tissue melt. They didn’t have any damn feet left to shoot by the second half.
I’m beyond flabbergasted: how was the last play of the game not reviewed. I feel like I should put som eBill Simmons-esqe “my eyes started bleeding” quote here, but my brain officially was shocked into not functioning properly by the decision. Trying to figure out the logic of it hurts my head.
I’m slightly flabbergasted: why not take a shot down field in the first half to Larry Fitzgerald? Your not even gonna try? With a guy like that, you have to try bombing it atleast 3 times per half. But Madden brought up an excellent point as the second quarter wound to a close: Arizona hadn’t taken any chances down field.
Is it me, or is that what their whole offense is centered around. Seemed like they forgot this until the fourth quarter.
Alright, I’m out, back some other time.
Till Next Time,
Greg
Very Quick Playoff Football Stuff
I know, I know, I haven’t written in months, just stopped by for a second to put down some thoughts on football in general:
Overtime in the NFL: I’ve hated this for years; glanced at P. King’s weekly column this morning and saw that he was bitching about it.
It’s not the sudden death that I have a problem with: its the fact that a team can simply win a coin toss, march down the field against a dog tired defense, and KICK A FIELD GOAL. That’s my beef: all a team has to do is get into field goal range, after starting at about the twenty give or from a kick-off. Eliminate field goals past the fifty yard line, and I have no problem with Sudden Death Overtime in the NFL.
Minn. vs. Philly: This was the most obvious battle of the mediocres I saw all weekend. Neither team looked playoff worthy: they each looked afraid to win. Each team had one big play from their running backs: (Peterson on one where he busted through the line and outran everyone, and Westbrook on one where the downfield blocking was responsible for the touchdown; all Westbrook had to do was run around each block). Besides these plays, both offenses were meak.
Matt Ryan was great despite losing and throwing a few picks.
Tavaris Jackson proved that he cannot win any close, important games, despite his legs.
Baltimore’s D is good.
The Colts are a lot slower than they used to be; they got outplayed in every facet of the game by San Diego, despite the close score.
Peace, I’m Out.
Greg
Scattered Thoughts, Al Davis vs. Kim Jong Il
Funny thing:
In the early ’90s, if you had a cellphone, you were assumed to be a drug dealer, unless you were a doctor, lawyer, or businessman.
If you used a payphone, you were probably just stuck somewhere or in need of help.
Today, if you use a payphone, you’re a drug dealer. And if you don’t have a cellphone….well, not only are you anti-social, you’re selfish. Because what if I needed reach you, but because you didn’t have a cellphone, I couldn’t? Huh….what about that?
So….yah. Things have changed.
—
Last week, it was announced that the absolutely AWFUL Detroit Lions GM, Matt Millen, was finally being fired. Only after the owner’s son publicly embarrassed his dad by announcing that if it was up to him, Millen would have been fired, did it go through. So its safe to say that if son didn’t make said comment, Millen would still be in charge.
Now, Millen was pathetic: his draft skills were atrocious, and he once called one of his wide receivers a ‘fag.’ Nice boss. But what surprises me more is the awful ownership. Millen obviously should have been fired years ago, but the aging owner, a member of the Ford family, never got around to it. Usually, I would chalk this up to old age/senile-ism. But its not; not at all.
Since this joker’s owned the Lions in 1964, the Lions have only won one playoff game.
You read that right.
Now, if you want the definition of pathetic, there it is. How in the hell is that possible? This team had Barry F**king Sanders! And Herman Moore!
Maybe Ford Motor Vehicles isn’t going broke because of the trend to not buy cars in this time of high oil prices and economic emergencies: maybe this knucklehead was sitting in on the board meeting at the wrong time.
Whatever the case, this guy sucks. I’m amazed he’s able to walk on the Mean Streets of Motown without bullets flying by him.
—
Speaking of Football Owners:
Throughout the first few weeks of this NFL season, the Oakland Raiders organization has been on fire. Like, literally; not in a good way. The whole place is burning to the ground.
Al Davis apparently hired Head Coach Lane Kiffin, but insists on implanting his own schemes into the defense, and won’t let Lane fire any defensive coaches. Yah, it pretty much sounds like a mess; this type of stuff usually doesn’t lead to greatness on the field.
But it got me thinking…..
The Oakland Raiders, for the last ten years or so, have been a lot like a country that you hear about in the news from time to time: North Korea.
Think about it….
The Raider Nation, located in Oakland, CA, is a rather unruly bunch, who paint their faces silver and wear ancient warrior type gear. They often snarl at the camera during games and generally try to intimidate us as viewers.
The Nation of North Korea’s population base is much more mysterious: we really don’t know anything about them, except that their impoverished, relie on foreign aid, and are Communist.
But these two population bases have a lot in common: their governments don’t take care of them very well. When was the last time any took a member of Raider Nation seriously? It’s like, “Dude, take off the war paint and put away the medieval mace….your team sucks. Really. It’ s not very cool.”
The highly militarized North Korean population has the same type of problems.
Ofcourse, this takes us to the leadership of each nation……which is remarkably similar.
Both nations are run respectively by Al Davis and Kim Jong Il.
Both men are old.
Both men have been in power for a long time.
Both men are vain, or atleast try to be.
Both men are extremely creepy, in the Howard Hughes type of way.
Both men are mysterious (ties in to H. Hughes).
Both men wear sunglasses at all times.
Both men have slick-backed black hair.
Both men have an unexplanable love for nylon jumpsuits.
Both men have been rumoured to be dead or on life-support.
Both men, in recent years, lost their intrigue as respectable leaders (if they ever were respected).
Both men like to pretend they are good at sports (Al Davis tries to call defensive plays from his penthouse; it was reported in North Korean newspapers that Kim Jong Il shot a perfect 18 while golfing recently).
And both men are openly poked fun at by the media, but also garner enough fear to earn them respect: remember, the Raiders made the Super Bowl a few years back, so you never know when they might get good again; and North Korea periodically makes headlines because they refuse to allow UN nuclear inspectors to visit their facilities, leading to speculation that they are, in fact, building nuclear weapons.
So there you have it……Raider Nation and North Korea, forever united in creating fear, loathing, chaos, and humor throughout their respective worlds.
—-
I have one thought on Jim Zorn, the Redskins coach, giving a “Hip-Hip Hooray!!” chant with his team after their win this weekend (which was a very good win, by the way).
Terrible. Atrocious. Preposterious (okay, its been more than one thought).
Seriously, does he know these are grown men? And that they play in the NFL? No offense, but I’m a pretty average joe compared to these guys, and even I feel, a little, how do I put it, silly, saying this phrase. I thought they outlawed after you passed the 5th grade.
Hip-Hip Hooray! Good Golly…..
Well, I gotta go. Peacers.
Until Next Time,
Greg
Football…..Are You There??
The bar was packed.
She couldn’t see over the shoulders of the large men in front of her.
She slowly tapped one of the men with her cane.
“Excuse me, sir,” she asked. “I’m just an old woman trying to get into my favorite watering hole…..would you please let me pass?” Kinder words had never before been spoken.
“Whaaaa??” the guy asked. “Ohh, I’m sorry Granny…..it’s third down, just give me a second.”
His fat ass blocked her path. She tapped him again.
“Please, young man, I just want to sit at a table…..I’m old, and my legs don’t hold up so well anymore.” She pleaded.
“Jesus, lady, its third down!” Embarrassed, some of his friends started to pretend they didn’t know him.
But it didn’t matter. As swift as a bolt of lightning thrown by Zeus himself, the woman’s cane flew through the air. The trajectory was perfect. He never knew what hit him. One second he was watching his QB take the snap, the next his head was getting slammed with a cane.
His face hit the floor. Beneath him, a pool of blood began to form.
She looked down at him as he bled. There was no pity. “Don’t worry about him boys…..his team sucks anyway. Asshole.”
At that point, everyone looked up at the screen. The QB just threw a lousy pick, returned for a touchdown.
With that, she made her way to her usual table. She took out her deck of cards. Ordered her Manhattan. Started playing solitaire.
In a far corner, a man sat back and laughed. “Man….I F**king Love Football Season!”
Pissah.
—
Its funny. I’ve kind of been pretending that football wasn’t happening. As summer started winding to a close, I wasn’t that pumped for the NFL. I was listening to random College Football stations on iTunes (Southern College football fans are funny, in more ways than one).
I was pretty non-chalant about Week 1. Set my fantasy rosters (I’m a first time Commish this year). Looked over the lines (but didn’t make picks). But besides that…..I didn’t really care that much. And that isn’t like me.
Ofcourse, I credit this to the hangover from last season for Pats fans. It’s like we ran a record setting marathon, and then tripped with 5 feet to go, breaking both ankles. Its hard to really care again after that, even if you want to.
So Sunday, instead of planting myself in front of a TV, I was running errands. Call me fairweather if you want, but for some reason I just couldn’t stomach the thought of watching football.
But before I left my apartment, I watched a little pre-game….and it happened. All of the sudden, in a matter of six seconds, I was pumped. It was like some instinctual part of me that had been asleep woke up. I still had to run my errand (it was a mandatory errand, for a wedding), but I was back for the second half of the Pats game.
Ofcourse, Brady blew out his knee (I got a text as I was riding on the train that said “Brady just got Bledsoed”, which I figured meant he threw a bunch of picks in a row. It never dawned on me that he might be hurt.), but for some reason, I’m not really upset. I mean, I feel sorry for the guy, his career might never be the same, but he does have three rings, and I believe two Super Bowl MVPs. Plus a Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend and millions of dollars. So no, I don’t feel too bad.
But beyond that….I don’t feel too terrible about the season. Maybe it brings us back down Earth: honestly, after last year, I don’t think anyone knew what was expected of these guys. Win a bunch of games, but not all of them, so that we can concentrate on the Super Bowl, like last year? There’s no question we weren’t as good as last year coming into the season.
So in a way, this brings us back down: now not much is expected of us, but we’re still very good. That’s not too bad.
Anyway, I’m gonna make some quick picks, and then drive to a wedding in Vermont.
—
Home team in CAPS
KANSAS CITY -3.5 over Oakland: KC looked decent against the Pats. Oakland looked pathetic against the Broncos. In KC, Oak doesn’t stand a chance. Chiefs win by atleast a touchdown.
Tennessee +1 over CINCINNATI: At first, this looked like the dumbest line of the week. Now, after Vince Young’s apparent mental breakdown, I’m not so sure. But Tennesse looked really good against San Diego; and Cincy looked like a mess. I’m gonna go with the underdog.
MINNESOTA +2 over Indy: Minnesota looked really good. Indy didn’t look good. If this was being played in Indy, it’d be different, but at home, I think Minnesota wins easily.
New Orleans PK over WASHINGTON: Even with Colston hurt, and playing on the road, I think New Orleans squeaks out a win here. But look out for a sloppy game ( I plan on avoiding this one).
Green Bay -3 over DETROIT: Here it is: time for Aaron Rodgers to get a road win. I think Green Bay will: Detriot looked pretty stinky in game 1, and Green Bay played well.
CAROLINA -3 over Chicago: One of the best games of the week. These teams look FIESTY! I like Carolina at home, but if they were in Chicago, I’d take Da Bears. These guys look about even.
Giants -8.5 over ST. LOUIS: Here’s my question: how did Stephen Jackson only have like 12 yards of rushing? What the Hell is wrong with the Rams? Good Lord, score some touchdowns already! Anyway, as much as I hate to say it, I think the Giants win by like 20.
JACKSONVILLE -5.5 over Buffalo: Buffalo looked really good last week; Jacksonville sucked. But Jax is just too damn talented: I think this is gonna be one of those angry games for Jacksonville. But Buffalo will put up a fight; it’ll be a good game.
Atlanta +7 over TAMPA BAY: I think Tampa wins outright; but I don’t see the fiesty Falcons losing by more than one TD.
San Fransisco +7 over SEATTLE: Yuck…..remind me not to watch this game. At all costs.
ARIZONA -6.5 over Miami: Good Lord…..what’s with the Suck Fest?
New England +1.5 over JETS: P-A-T-S……PATS PATS PATS PATS!
Baltimore +4.5 over HOUSTON: I’ll be the first to admit…..I don’t have a freaking clue.
DENVER +1.5 over San Diego; Now if I was a gambling man….this would be my Pick of the Week. San Diego looks flat, un-motivated, and non-chalant; not to mention the fact, they lost their best linebacker, and they lost at home. Denver, on the other hand, was mass producing TDs like they were a cheap commodity made in China. If Denver was the road, it’d be different; but they’re not. Look for a route. You heard it hear first.
Pittsburgh -6 over CLEVELAND: I think if they put their minds to it, Cleveland can be just feisty enough to hang around with Pittsburgh at home. But the main problem: Pittsburgh looks damn good. I and just don’t see them letting Cleveland get into this game. I think Pitt beats them up ( in a close game, that’s not really close).
Philly +7 over DALLAS: Here it is folks: The Game of the Week! On a Monday Night, no less (can’t remember the last time that happened). I think Dallas wins, but not by more than a TD. This game is gonna be sick…I can’t wait.
Alright folks…..its been fun.
Peace.
Until Next Time,
Greg
Attention Bow Wow: I Can Solve All Your Problems….
I’ve been waking up to Ramiro & Pebbles on Jammin’ 94.5 FM lately.
What’s this, you ask? Well, if you’re not from Boston, its one of the two decent wake-up programs on the air (the other being The Sandbox on 101.7FM, WFNX). I switch it up between these two because, honestly, I can’t listent to any radio program without getting sick of it after awhile.
Anyway, the other morning, during her Pop News Update, Pebbles mentioned that Bow Wow was going to be on an episode of Entourage this season in a “very intense” sex scene (just one more reason for me not to start watching this show again). Ramiro and Pebbles then began discussing Bow Wow’s woes: turns out, the rapper is trying to shake his image as “possibly gay, looks like he’s twelve, not a serious artist.” To quell the former rumors, he’s been reportedly trying to date hot chicks. And now he’s in a sex scene on a popular HBO show.
But here’s the thing: nothing is going to change. Supposedly, the guy still looks like he’s eleven. You may remember, he was on the scene at the age of 8 or so as ‘Lil Bow Wow’, which obviously his parents or someone else coined for him. Then, at around the age of 15, he changed to ‘Bow Wow’ to become more of a grown-up.
But seriously Bow Wow…..you’re not doing enough. I take you less seriously now that you call yourself ‘Bow Wow.’ Does Bow Wow sound tough….no, it sounds terrible. When you were Lil Bow Wow you sounded kinda crazy……now you sound kinda lame. Maybe if you called yourself Vicious Pit Bull or Rabid Racoon, then I’d take you seriously. But right now, I just can’t.
So if you’re reading this….let it go. Take your real name back….the one your mama gave you. You’ll get more girls, more street cred, and you won’t be forced to be in sex scenes to prove that you’re a man. Seriously, who does that? Chicks, bro: chicks.
So there it is: leave Bow Wow behind, and join the rest of society with a normal name. You’ll thank me later.
Peace.
Until Next Time,
Greg
Random Thought #1
I’ve never understood the term “Shit-Eating Grin.”
If someone was to eat shit, wouldn’t they frown??
-Random Thought
Conversations at a Library (Things to Come??)
They sat at the corner table in the back of the library; a few open magazines and newspapers lay in front of them. John tapped his open notebook idly.
“See that guy over there?”
“Who?”
“That guy with the brown hair, white t-shirt and shorts? Kind of a goofy….”
“Ohh, yah, I know that guy. I mean, I don’t really know him, but he says what up when I see him.”
“Well, he used to write in a blog, like all the time, and he he had a following of three or four readers. He’d come home sometimes, eat dinner, and immediately start writing. It was good shit.”
“Ohh, yah, I think I remember that….”
“Yah, well, for awhile he stopped writing, cause he got caught up with some bullshit, you know? Mainly, though, he didn’t have internet at his apartment.”
He paused; his pocket was vibrating.
“Hold on bro, I’m getting a text.” He stared at the luminesent screen, and typed unknown words into the phone. On another phone somewhere, someone received a form of communication. Message Sent.
“So, what, happened? You were saying?”
“Ohh, yah. Well, dude got the internet back. He’s kinda pumped, cause he thinks he might start writing again. Not every night, you know, but maybe like twice a week.”
“Ohh, man, that’d be f**king sweet!”
A couple heads turned, and few shhs echoed through the aisles. They guy with the brown hair they were talking about looked up, a little annoyed: he was reading a good book, dammit!
“Well that’s good shit; it always sucks when bloggers lose interest, get girlfriends, start doing stuff, ect…..anything that keeps them from writing.”
“Yah, I even talked with him for a few minutes: he watched the first half of the Giants game last night, and though he hasn’t talked about the dreaded Super Bowl all summer, all he could thinking while watching the season opener was: how in the Hell did the Pats lose to NY? How?? But maybe this season will bring closure; he certainly hopes it will!”
Suddenly, John slammed his notebook shut. He picked up his magazines.
“Dude, I’m out of here, now’s not the time to talk about this. I gotta go to work.”
“Alright, dude, well thanks for the update.”
“Yah, no problem man. What are you doin later?”
“Me and Wendy are going bowling. After that….whatever.”
“Alright, cool man, well look, I’ll give you a call.”
“Alright. Later.”
Walking out of the library, John stopped by to talk to the dude with brown hair at the table for a couple minutes. After shooting the shit, he bounced.
—
Whazup Wit Olympics!?
Yo,
Well, I gotta make this quick, cause as usual, I ain’t got no time:
Hopefully, ya’ll been watching the Olympics the last few weeks: its good clean fun to partake in.
Here are some random thoughts, whatevers:
To all the Michael Phelps Haters: Stop it. No, really, you sound pathetic, just stop it. Yes, Michael Phelps is undoubtably a dick. Yes, he undoubtably bangs more super models than he should be. Yes, his ears flap in the wind.
But if you sit there, like so many young males (you don’t hear females hating), talking about how Phelps is “such a loser, ohh, I hate that guy, he’s not even a good athlete, he’s a dweeb who spent his whole childhood in a pool,” ect, ect, if you are in fact THAT GUY: Stop it. Really. Just Stop It.
This Goes Out to My Main Man, USAIN BOLT!:
Now, I know: we all cheer for our respective countries. Its natural. And it makes us feel good, almost in an animal sense, when our country kicks ass in something, or for a smaller country, grabs one single GOLD.
But I can’t help myself: USAIN BOLT IS THE MAN!
Seriously: does anyone else in this games have even close to the amount of charisma this guy has? He’s the man: I can say without a doubt that I would love to hang out with Usain Bolt.
Ofcourse, because he’s kind of a “bad boy, show-boater”, everyone’s coming down on him as being a jerk. The IOC is probably pissed about his antics.
For God’s Sake People: Lighten Up! I know, I know, its proper for athletes to be “cold and silent” in their moments before a race, as they bend down to give it their absolute all: but its such a breath of fresh air to see a smart ass running around having fun, and also kicking ass.
YAH BOLT!
MY FAVES 
) :0 XOXXOXOXO
Faves: Watching the US Hoops team DESTROY bitches. WHAT UP WORLD. WHO U BE?!
Faves: Watching weird sports I wouldn’t usually, like fencing. Too bad the damn French won!
Faves: Watching Men’s Gymnastics. Before you call me gay, remember that these guys are some of the strongest, most flexible guys in the universe. If you watch World’s Strong Man Competition, change the channel dude! These guys are the most impressive strength orientated athletes in the world. Period.
As someone who has worked out on and off for about 8 years now, I truly appreciate their strength. I absolutely love watching the Pummel Horse, Rings, Parallell Bars, Floor Exercise, whatever. And then the High Bar, for pure acrobatics, is insane.
Faves: Watching events I used to do in track, like the 400. Damn, dude: I ran a 59 flat. You ran a 43.13. I think I’ll go to bed now. But seriously…..it puts it into perspective when you can relate.
Faves: Seeing old Boston radio host Bob Newmire (Newmie!) interview athletes at the track right after their race.
Not Fave: When Newmie’s a dick to the athletes (c’mon Newmie!).
Ten Things I Think I Hate (Hate’s a Strong Word, so these are things that I kinda like, but I secretly Hate).
I Think I Hate Peter King (I hate you….yet I read you).
I Think I Hate Girls Gymanstics: I kinda enjoy it (not as much as the men’s). But I kind of hate it, for a few reasons:
All Olympic Sports are kinda like this, but with gymastics, you these girls have ABSOLUTELY no life. No childhood. No boyfriends. No nights stumbling home from a kegger.
Nope, these girls get to hang out with their Dad 24-7 and practice uneven bars (atleast Nastia)……
But beyond that…..they don’t look right. The young ones look fine, but I saw a 30 year old woman from Germany that looked like a little boy. She won a medal…..but was it worth it, to transform your body into a little boy’s?
Again, I’m torn…..they are incredible athletes, doing incredible things. I just hope its what they really want to be doing.
I Think I Hate: The Bejing Olmpic atmosphere. China’s really gone out on a limb to host these, and everything seems to be going great, but what happens after its over in a few days. I heard that thousands of people lost their homes to have the Birds Nest, ect, built.
Are we really supporting a good thing here?
Things I Freakin Hate!:
The Protesters: Now look: I’m all about the whole protest thing, if its a good cause. And while I’m a little uninformed, the Free Tibet protest seems legit.
But when I hear about people continually getting arrested, detained, whatever, and then I hear them bitch about when they get home, I can’t help but laugh.
Dude, are you serious? You’re protesting in Freaking China! They block off half of the damn internet from their own citizens! Dumbass!
And I love how their all self-righteous and shit.
“I signed up for a protest permit, and then the Chinese Police came, and they put me in a prison. How Dare They! They acted like they didn’t even know my rights! It’s called Amnesty International, Bro!
Then they tased my scrotum, fed me dog piss, and caned my ass! They are so gonna cringe when they hear from my lawyer!”
But the silliest part is how these dirtbag Phish heads (Yes, I like Phish. Yes, I shower.) think they’re saving the damn world with some frivolous protest. Like, how much does a plane ticket to China cost? That’s a lot of money to go somewhere with a “Free Tibet” and throw a sing-a-long. Hey Asshole, you could have used that money to send the Dalai Lama supplies or something.
Anyway, I’m out. I hope this doesn’t sound to damn angry.
Peace and Chicken Grease.
Till Next Time,
Greg
